Tick Tock

When the time comes that all of us meet that one single moment in time that changes absolutely everything, everything then changes. The realization that time is sacred, limited, priceless approaches every single one of us at some point. I have had many of these moments fortunately. To be granted the option to pivot is a blessing even in the times when it seems like it is unfair. Being diagnosed with a disease that long existed before the actual diagnosis was one of those moments for me. What a beautiful pivot I was blessed with! Now an educator of functional medicine, a health advisor, an influencer to thousands. I would have never expected the pivot to lead me where I am today. The “Do It Yourself Queen” has risen from what I could only describe as a shit pile prior to my diagnosis.

Our move across the country was suppose to be a happy move, a new life for all five of us in our small family. Instead it was one of the hardest pivots I have yet to endure. A tragic loss of a living child I had been the main care taker for his entire life. A “Good Son”(movie reference) type of loss no parent ever can even begin to wrap their head around. A toxic world with so many casualties left without answers due to accountability being a thing of the past! I will never know if it was the gene mutations, numerous surgeries, birth defects, medications, vaccination's, toxic foods, etc. I do know I can no longer have a safe meaningful relationship with one of my 3 children due to an unanswered,“What the hell happened?” I often get asked what emotional burden ignited my diagnosis. Always unable to respectfully answer that question, still trying to protect all of my babies from the trauma of it all. Due to my husband being my son’s step father, he had little part in all the stress that would come to us for years due to me being the legal guardian. I single handedly had to face the reality of my ex-husband’s lack there of as a father. The reality my sweet baby boy was in fact a strategic calculated stranger to us all became a reality. This took me years upon years to actually accept, believe, and process.

Trauma often egnites the disease process like pouring gasoline on an already blazing fire. We all have our own stories of what we think caused the initial blow. Some may not have experienced trauma at all. While others, can tell you the exact moment when the stress broke them. My sistuation was so great that I had to be strategic myself. The shell of what once use to be my sweet child was being pushed by the courts to come back into my home, which was never an option for me. I had other children to protect amongst my husband and myself. My plan if it came down to it was to divorce my husband so their was zero ties to him and my daughters. I would then sacrifice myself to live with the shell I once thought I knew. These years of stress were devastating to all of us and beyond stressful. I never got the proper protection myself as a child, so I knew protecting my family(this included the shell) to my capacity was my only option.

The idea trauma caused our bodies to malfunction seems absurd to people that are unaware of what trauma actually does physically. The emotional turmoil keeps the body in a state of survival mode. This has a detrimental effect chemically inside of the body. Cortisol rises, the drop of adrenaline may occur multiple times a day. Hormones shift like serotonin, melotonin, testosterone. The body gets ready for a fight even if you are not a fighter. Lack of sleep occurs due to the stress and shift of hormones. The body losses its capacity to rebuild itself at night. Lack of nutrition occurs, either due to not eating at all or over eating nutrient deprived comfort foods. When this happens over time, it creates such a storm of chronic inflammation. The thought that trauma is removed from disease now seems silly when the facts are considered. Unsupportive healthcare, family, or friends may categorize the trauma affected, as if we are crazy or imbalanced all without context. This then adds to the trauma, the stress, the chronic inflammation, and ultimately the disease. The disease builder of trauma is great and tragic to all that experience it. Time is required to calm the system, rebuild the bodies trust, lower inflammation, and restructure the hormonal balance. Unprocessed emotions must be delt with in some way that allows the trauma stricken individual to release them. These methods of release will look differently for all of us. Expect the same amount of time the trauma occurred(including the ripples), in healing time. Some people may fly through the healing process of release, while others may feel stuck.

In my own processing journey, it took years using multiple methods repeatedly to get to a safe place. I still pray for good health, healing, and safety for the child I greive. To this day, there is absolutely zero recognition from him that we do not feel safe to be a participant in his life. The thought is always shared that we are the ones to be blamed for his inability to care for us properly. Lack of love, lack of awareness, lack of empathy for our trauma, just a complete lack. I guess this is why I refer to him as a shell. They say as parents we reflect the love we give to our children. This means that the younger child’s needs were reflected as love. The love I felt was real, but the love I thought I was receiving in return was just a mirror of my own feelings coming back to me. As hard as this truth was for me to grasp, I have come to terms with it. It was too much of a burden for my heart to heal, so I gave it to God. Sometimes in these situations we must release the bondage in ways that are greater than our own capacity of understanding. The only way I know to do this is to give it to God to heal, give it to God to hold, give it to God to save.

Methods of releasing such burdens are powerful tools to help move past the pain of the trauma. One of these methods I found mediocre, but also satisfying was therapy. A good therapist will be able to share knowledge and educated tools to help you do the work needed to get better. Even in a professional setting it can be hard to separate one’s true feelings. However, a good therapist will be able to do this most of the time separating their own emotional response to your traumas. The therapist should be a sounding board for you to work through, and verbalize your emotions. The therapist can sort out distorted thoughts from actual events. This is a powerful tool if you get the right one. Personal judgments and opinions presented to you as therapy are not acceptable practices. While we do want the educational training in therapy, personal emotions should be left to the therapist to sort through on their own time. I mention this, because I have personally met many therapists that lacked a true professional standard. While I found this method beneficial, it took me years to find a good professional therapist.

E.M.D.R.(Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) was another method I did for years. The thought behind this treatment is through alternating vibrations and lights left to right. This can get the brain in a somewhat hypnotic state to release emotional memories. E.M.D.R has been successfully used to treat people with P.T.S.D.(Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). P.T.S.D. leaves individuals with locked traumatic events unable to differentiate the traumatic event from their current moment in time. Being stuck in a past traumatic event has many unpredictable triggers leaving the condition hard to predict current behaviors and responses. E.M.D.R. helps move the individual past the traumatic event to start living in the present moment without being triggered back in time. I personally found this treatment extremely helpful in my own bout with P.T.S.D. While reliving the past traumatic events in order to get through them was very challenging, it allowed me to move forward in life. Giving this treatment a try could be life changing.

Chakra treatment is another technique I used in my own journey. An ancient practice from India. It states that we have rotating energy down the center of our bodies helping to create the aura all around our bodies. It is said the chakra’s turn in a clockwise direction with the power of the energy being in the center called, “Centers energy.” When the energy is not balanced however, the chakra’s energy can spin counter clockwise indicating imbalance. There are seven chakra’s per standard practices; however, some point out other systems of energy as in the book, “Llewellyn’s Complete Book Of Chakra’s” by Cyndi Dale. Starting from the bottom up we have the Root chakra located at one’s pelvic region. The Root chakra is responsible for being grounded, igniting our survival mechanisms, and needing a sense of security. Next is the Sacral chakra located just below the belly button. The Sacral chakra is responsible for our relationships; however, if the Root chakra is not balanced it will effect the stability of relationships due to not feeling secure. The Sacral chakra is also responsible for the energy to be creative and our emotional states. Next is the Solar Plexus located right around or above your diaphragm. The Solar Plexus is responsible your sense of power, self worth, and how confident you are. Next is the Heart chakra located at the heart center right about the mid-top of the sternum. The Heart Chakra is responsible for your ability to be compassionate and forgiving. It is also responsible for the ability to love. Next is the Throat chakra located at the throats center. The Throat chakra is responsible for your voice and ability to communicate. It is also responsible for speaking truth and vocal expressions. Next is the Third Eye located at the lower center of the forehead. The Third Eye is responsible for innate wisdom or intuition. This is where spiritual awareness grows and deep insights can come to light. Lastly is The Crown chakra located at the top center of the head. The Crown chakra is responsible for a higher consciousness, a greater spiritual awakening, and the feeling of enlightenment. In Tai Chi we would always start by creating energy in our hands then directing that energy into the body. Simply rubbing your hands together then slowly mindfully pullling them apart then back together almost touching but not touching, creates this healing energy we all possess. Once the energy is created simply rotate the energy in the clockwise position and direct it into the chakra areas stating healing chants. Some examples might be, “I am sending healing energy”, “I am worthy of healing energy”, “I am worthy of loving energy”, etc. Crystals, copper hoops(sacred hoops), hot stones, tuning forks, magnets, or healing hands can be placed on the chakra sights sending healing back into the body directing the energies motion. Many people dismiss this healing practice due to their belief system not allowing it to be true, but we are all energy.

Although I did many different healing practices I will end with this one, ancestral healing. This is a practice I would only let someone I trusted with your energy do. Not everyone that does this type of work can be trusted with such a treasure. Very similarly to the books, “The Emotion Code” or “The Body Code” by Dr. Bradley Nelson, you will be accessing energy imprints attached to you. The idea here is to remove past generations that have attached themselves to your energy. This works with the same thought that we were techniquely in our grandmothers by the means of the egg that became our mother’s then us being the chosen egg of our mother’s. Energy is said to imprint at the cellular level. This has been proven and duplicated in rodent studies having memories of learned behavior from three generations back. If trauma occurs for the grandmother or mother while pregnant it then is said to impact the mother’s child, which would be the third generation. I personally thought this was hogwash and even silly. My close colleague and friend was doing Anceteal Healing sessions and they were affordable so I thought, “Why not try it?” I went into it expecting to giggle or to make light of the session. Instead I was focused, emotional, shaky, concerned. I quickly realized I had just spent the best twenty-five dollars of my life! I felt the energy leave me. I felt lighter and as if the dark cloud I had envisioned had vanished. I went onto do more work releasing my own emotions. Then I thought to myself, I could do this energy work myself with the help of the books I mentioned above. This type of work was probably the hardest work I have ever done. Unlike therapy where you can twist the words in your favor of past events, this was a mirror reflecting your held emotions. It was intimate, vulnerable, uncomfortable to see all the emotions that made you who you had become. Part of me was scared to release them, because I liked some of those parts of me. It is like painting a mural then realizing you needed to start over to paint another one. Priming out the old mural and starting all over brush stroke by brush stroke. The investment you thought you had made into yourself was also the chains that held you back! This therapy might not be in the scope for everyone. You must have an open mind when healing at these depths! The ultimate letting go, is letting go of who you think you are.

An actual healing journey will include spiritual, physical, and emotional healing. When we think of a baby or an infant being sick that has not experienced much of life, we know that trauma comes from the family not necessarily the child. The mother does have the power in that moment to start doing the work to not only heal her own wounds, but also those of her children. This information upsets many due to the ego saying, “It is not my fault.” Never the less, here we all are in the situation where muting the ego to heal the child is the key. As I sit here taking a deep breath, I wonder if I myself have done enough to heal my own children. My ego screams out a big yes, while my energy softly tells me no. I have a tattoo on my ankle of a woman half devil and half angel. She was originally naked representing my open free spirit, but then I had children in kindergarten! I quickly realized she needed some clothes for the sake of others. She is a representation of myself and the battles I too have faced with the desires of the flesh versus the desires of my heart(always God)! The truth is this is not just a representation of me it is a representation of every single one of us! The pull to feed the flesh and the ego. The pull to be good and follow God’s word. The battle is real and endless for every single one of us. I will keep doing the work needed to heal myself and my family. I pray this helps you all do the same.