Have You Ever?

Most of you reading my blogs know my story comes with a heavy dose of trauma I had to navigate through. This post will specifically depict some of the many abusive relationships I found myself in over the years. I visulalize this sickening cycle like a dance I call, “Push, Pull, Twirl.” Try to visualize this as the reader if these words relate at all to your own story. Then try to read this without tears.

The “Push” in this dance is when the relationship goes wrong or gets abusive. Just like in a dance arm fully extended connected with one single hand, you are pushed out of the relationship. This part is where you feel lost, small, worthless, empty, sad. In a fit of rage you have been pushed away physically, verbally, sexually, emotionally. Just as you try to relinquish your tie to this abusive cycle by loosening the grip of that one hand, the “Pull” comes swooping in.

The “Pull” is the intense pull back into your partner. This is typically a very emotional part of this dance. The extreme feelings of love, compassion, companionship, sexual desire are so intense it momentarily makes you forget the event. You are drawn back in, because they are truly sorry this time. You rationalize why this time is different. You are so lost inside and your partner truly sees you. You wonder how can they see what I have lost? Just as the dust settles, quickly approaches the “Twirl”!

The “Twirl” comes when you have some time alone to actually think. Too many thoughts have been displaced at this time so you attempt to sort them out. Am I safe? Was this really my fault? Did my partner hurt me that bad? Am I all those things my partner says I am? As you twirl round, round, round you go. This is when you might try to share your emotions and thoughts in a kind way with your partner hoping for a truthful conversation. Instead you are only met with the cycle in this dance. Here are a few of the scenarios:

1) Aggression- Your partner is angry that you are bringing this up. How dare you shed any light on your partner’s responses and actions. Physical violence might occur here out of an inability for your partner to regulate their own emotions.

2) Deflecting- Your partner remembers the incident differently. As they remember it, you were the problem.

3) Avoidance- Your partner wants to talk about the situation later, which later will never comes. They distract you as to not talk about your emotional state or the incident.

    In the end, you are left feeling worse than you did the day of the incident. A complete and undderly devastating loneliness overcomes you. A new level of worthlessness is born. A deeper disconnect from your own self is reached. The cycle continues round, round, round it goes.

I will now write a depiction of this cycle from my own experiences in a poetic form.

                             PUSH, PULL, TWIRL

“(Have you ever been loved so intensely you lost yourself in your partner?

Have you ever justified the loss of self, piece by piece as it leaves you never to be found again?

Have you ever explained away your partner’s actions to those around you?

Have you ever pushed the people closest to you away to avoid them seeing the truth?

Have you ever been grabbed so violently it left emotional painted scars on your skin?

Have you ever tried to hide those emotional actually physical painted bruises?

Have you ever promised yourself you’ll leave if your partner does it again?

Have you ever justified, the again?

    Push me down I am what you say I am

I believe you

    Pull me back I am so in-love with the passionate touch I crave so much

I believe you

    Twirl my mind, who am I? Twirl I am desperate, where am I? Twirl I’m going crazy, what am I?

I loosen the grip to slip away

I need to find the pieces of me I have hidden, am I okay?

Round I Push, Round I Pull, Round I Twirl

Back to you I go round, round, round

Have you ever been so humiliated, because you were not enough?

Have you been victimized in the relationship, because you belong to your partner?

Have you been tricked to feel important only to find out you were not the main character in the sexual act performed?

Have you ever worked so hard making more money than your partner only to be told it was not enough?

Have you ever spent so much of your energy trying to control what is simply not working out?

Have you ever been so numb from all the pain the tears will not come?

Have you ever hidden in your own house to feel safe from the partner that when it’s good feels safe to you?

Have you ever justified, the again?

    Push me down I am what you say I am

I believe you

    Pull me back I am so in-love with the passionate touch I crave so much

I believe you

    Twirl my mind, who am I? Twirl I am desperate, where am I? Twirl I’m going crazy, what am I?

I loosen the grip to slip away

I need to find the pieces of me I have hidden, am I okay?

Round I Push, Round I Pull, Round I Twirl

Back to you I go round, round, round

Have you ever married the abuser to prove it was real?

Have you ever had a child with the abuser to prove it was all real?

Have you then had to shield the child from the abuser, because now it is all way too real?

Have you now felt stuck with the abuser for the sake of the child?

Have you ever tried to escape, but they use the child to keep you?

Have you ever felt so trapped when there were so many opportunities to get away?

Have you ever justified, the again?

    Push me down I am what you say I am

I believe you

    Pull me back I am so in-love with the passionate touch I crave so much

I believe you

    Twirl my mind, who am I? Twirl I am desperate, where am I? Twirl I’m going crazy, what am I?

I loosen the grip to slip away

I need to find the pieces of me I have hidden, am I okay?

Round I Push, Round I Pull, Round I Twirl

Back to you I go round, round, round

Have you ever considered leaving everything you built, purchased, owned just to get away?

Have you ever felt relief when you were away from your partner hidden in a store bathroom?

Have you ever considered death would be better than this relationship?

Have you ever prayed that your partner would encounter some horrible fate just to be free from them?

Have you ever been threatened with the cut of knives so terrifying you could only imagine them being in horror films?

Have you ever been so scared of the threat?

Have you ever justified, the again?

    Push me down I am what you say I am

I believe you

    Pull me back I am so in-love with the passionate touch I crave so much

I believe you

    Twirl my mind, who am I? Twirl I am desperate, where am I? Twirl I’m going crazy, what am I?

I loosen the grip to slip away

I need to find the pieces of me I have hidden, am I okay?

Round I Push, Round I Pull, Round I Twirl

Back to you I go round, round, round

Have you ever felt so ugly, sexy, stupid, smart, helpless, hopeful, sad, happy, hateful, loving?

Have you ever wanted to hide in your own skin to maybe be so disgusting to your partner they leave you instead?

Have you ever been so exhausted from what started out as a singular, “I am sorry”?

Have you ever realized you are that person in that situation that needs help?

Have you ever felt so embarrassed that you let it get this far?

Have you ever felt so lost you slept in a car like a homeless person when you had a home?

Have you ever justified, the again?

    Push me down I am what you say I am

I believe you

    Pull me back I am so in-love with the passionate touch I crave so much

I believe you

    Twirl my mind, who am I? Twirl I am desperate, where am I? Twirl I’m going crazy, what am I?

I loosen the grip to slip away

I need to find the pieces of me I have hidden, am I okay?

Round I Push, Round I Pull, Round I Twirl

Back to you I go round, round, round

Have you ever?

Have you ever?

Have you ever?)”

Written by: Holly Haag

Now that we can see the destructive damage, the complete loss of self to even begin to try to leave, the absolute humility of the abused; can we then see our own part here. The energy we gave, the blind ignorance of our own emotions, the justified break from one’s self. I could say that it just happens and I found a few bad apples in the bunch. Except for the fact I created a destructive pattern that I repeated in different partners. I found these partners, because I was lost from the start. I did not respect or even know my own self. How can we be in meaningful relationships without the basic knowledge of our own emotional wellbeing? My circumstances are different in that not all abusive relationships are born from an abusive upbringing. My story is not far off from the cycles we watch in shows or hear about on the nightly news. I wanted to write this to shed light on the inner webs that are weaved in these relationships. I wanted to vividly share the dance so many of us have memorized each move to. This dance will keep anybody out of balance and sick. I beg anyone that finds themselves currently in this dance to get the help that is needed to get out of the rotation. I was given a heart to love, so I love! We can heal from our strifes. We can heal from our scars. We can heal from the abuse. Healing is possible not only for me, but for you!