The Secrets Keeper shhh shhh hush

Trauma is part of my story. It goes deep and has many layers. I am working on a workbook I will share called, “The Ugly Onion” soon. While this is just the surface of all that is true in my story, the more I release it the better I feel inside. When did the victims have to be silenced for speaking out truths?!!! Due to the few that cried wolf and we all should be quiet or else! Nope, I’m not doing that anymore. I am the housing for others secrets that harm. I am releasing these secrets and have kindly left names out, but you know who you all are. Has the burden of the truth ate away at your soul like it has mine? I wish I was a wiser stronger version of myself when I was young, but I was trying to stop the bleed anyway I could figure out on my own. The one conflicted part about my house burning down was all the proof in my mind I had kept. The years of poetry I wrote trying to make it through my own life experiences. The letters that were kept that others wrote about their abuse I became the keeper of when they passed away. The threats to my life the threats if I ever spoke of it all. Silenced out of it was easier silenced out of fear of the fight. I had little fight to give after all of the blows. Here is to therapeutic release with the hope those reading this will also be able to follow my suit. You are braver than you give yourself credit for! When you sit wondering why your body broke down and you’re holding other secrets even your secrets, this is why. Trauma doesn’t forget you. it festers inside you waiting for you to feel it to shake it out of you. The bodies defense mechanism remembers to help prevent the next hit. Your body is on high alert then it shuts down due to the over use on high. No peace, no regulation, no balance just trauma driven chaos. I know hearing my story makes me sound intense, unstable, traumatized… I went through many, many, many years of extensive therapies to help stabilize me. I am the best version of myself that has yet to be. My message here is I hope the reader will be brave enough to heal, to unpack what others gave you to carry. 

{My days started off as a baby shhh shhh hush Don’t say a word mama’s going to buy you- not a bird

I grew up being silenced for all the things we dare not say

Because shhh shhh hush is the only way

Daddy gets excited, I want to make him happy at age 3

Fast forward to age 12 daddy please I beg you to just let me be

I run I run away, will my efforts save me? Will they help me find my way?

I run I run from my pain searching for the comfort to blanket my entirety

Shhh shhh hush don’t talk about all those voices in your head

Mama leaves daddy, but she also leaves me- mentally

I look like him, I’m the other woman, still a girl how could this be it is so parallel

Shhh shhh hush we need the money don’t say a word let daddy be free for you and for me

Mama lets me date an older boy

He smokes he goes to an alternative school, he’s not shy

He locks into what he wants like my father always did

He wants me how lucky am I

His family goes to move away, but Mama has other plans

We break up she makes him come live with me at only age 14

Shhh shhh hush don’t say a word conflicted inside I think I do love him, but I am too young for this type of life

Three more years of silence of hiding my pain wishing I had parents that protected the girl I desperately wanted to be

Boyfriend decides he is moving alone to Oklahoma

Like I was some short term ride on a car loan a 3 year trade in

Shhh shhhh hush sweat heart don’t say a word

Mama’s going to send you to college early my little bird

Free fly away you stupid girl, don’t make mistakes they will follow you in this world

Huge dark man that follows me in the halls will see me when I’m 18 as if my fate was whatever he makes of me

European man asks for a ride so I agree to drive

Campus lot to campus lot his hand goes over my seat belt lock, don’t you move unless it’s what I want you to do-to me

Shhh shhh hush as he washes me off nothing was done here sorry life’s tough

Terrified in silence who could I even tell

Late late at night the stalker that hides tried to take me in his truck

Closing up at work my co-worker locks me inside 

Tells me “go to the back room to hide”

Police are called restraining order set

Did you look too pretty this time in your Blockbuster suit

Shhh shhh hush don’t say a word he wants what he wants little bird

Old friend wants to visit to say hi

He shoves me over the fence no time to cry

Do you want to play “tap out”?  Here I’ll start

You’re going to get a pounding this game isn’t for the weak of heart

I was determined to win something I had already lost

Day turned to night until flesh was ripping off

He tapped out first- a small victory how kind

From how it all started sucking in my cries from the separation from body and mind

No one had ever beat him at his cruel game

So he must marry the one to which victory is claimed

Engaged for months, shock it went bad

One blow to face for getting mad

I turned with the punch so my jaw did not break

I’m a fighter so I bit his chest until the damn skin break

Blood in my mouth feeling empowered

Dude didn’t think I’d fight back, what a coward

Shhh shhh hush he left what harm could be done now

Later he would try to rape my friend she would come to me asking why I didn’t warn her-wow

I drop out of school I get lost for a bit I want to feel safe

Life seems daunting I want to quit

Oklahoma comes back wanting me to be his bride

Mama starts creating a ring from daddy and hers old wedding rings

So I could wear a reminder of who truly owns me

Oklahoma’s sister calls, cats out of the bag

Apparently Oklahoma would make out with me then go home to use his sisters legs

Disgusted with it all

I hit and punch him into a wall

Mama says I should look past it 

Marry him anyways it will be fantastic

Shhh shhh hush I send Oklahoma away never talk to me again

Mama makes a deal to keep their relationship quiet 

I only find out when Mama dies Oklahoma tells me he was told to hide it

Here comes Johnny, enters my life next a dessert trip I will always regret

Back to dental school I go, I make a friend that invites me to go with her

Her husbands brother needs a date of course, only if you like him

19 years old to his 33 years was a shocker

Push push to entertain him push push he’s a great man

Drunken dessert night skin rubs on skin it’s alright

The next day I regret what was done

I say “thank you for the weekend it was fun”

Next thing I know I am cornered at school

My friend “You’d better date him you fool”

I did this for 9 months despite my urge to run

Closet addict that owned his own business is what I had won

Get out Holly! Get out Holly now! This is uncomfortable

Overwhelmed with porn on in every room feeling like the extra starring Mr. Unstable

Shhh shhh hush don’t say a word it’s a secret dear haven’t you heard

Free at last once school ends

I am safe to leave thank goodness

Roller blading in strings at 1 A.M. on the oceans front

I meet Mr. Wrong- again, I caught a big fish I had thought

Nights in the many ocean front beach houses seemed like a dream

Chiseled in stature long and hard I melted when he touched me

Married at 19

ConArtist to the T

Man did he deceive, broken into every house we would sleep

Multiple felonies in Miami the stack of danger I was in got real deep

One annulment later with one restraining order

Tweety Bird still on my car 

Something so innocent inside of me even-though it felt so so so far

Shhh shhh hush little birdie don’t say a word, it’s like it didn’t even happen little bird

Dating an old friend that is emotionally shut down the sex was real good, but he was removed

I started dating his friend that would eventually be the first real marriage for me

First year seemed perfect he sold that he was in-love

While dating I met up with an old childhood friend he served me cloudy water and when I said “No” he said “Yes”

I kept it a secret was it still cheating?

Now engaged All eyes on me until they weren’t!

Fairy tale wedding stacking 15k deep

Ocean Bahamas in a cruise ship

Trying to keep up with his same aged uncle in life check✔️, he got the wife

Now time for babies we are running behind

My body won’t get pregnant I find

One wild weekend and twins without IVF now I am sicker than I ever was

One baby laid to rest one fighting to live

Preterm labor at 4 months, stop, bed rest

Just out of the hospital something is amiss  

I go to husbands work his arm draped around hers

Nothing is happening, nothing you saw

we break up until I realize I am all alone

Baby comes way too early and sick

I’m dying inside I can feel it

Mental health breaks down like never before

Counciling? I had done that once before

The man that groomed me to be extra close 

That bought me presents and ice cream that taught me how to touch myself for my benefit of course

Shhh shhh hush little birdie don’t say a word this is your normal haven’t you heard

Therapy comes, but I haven’t been through much I think

Husband brings home drugs and goes bowling.  The server becomes his new short term honey

While at home he leaves bruises “I’m lucky- I’m not a man” he says or “I’d be looking funny”

Broken down to the point I can’t weep I leave him and my son I keep

What a nightmare ensues by picking the wrong partner to have a child with

A deep sadness comes while working through the pain

A bad coping mechanism forms of sex and adrenaline

Do I feel or do I numb?  I am out of control nothing makes sense anymore

Sex on the rocks as waves crash down 

Am I insane I almost drown

Sex over buildings I could climb,

Sex in the center median on the freeway at night, 

Sex at the club made for a crowd, 

Sex at the bar while the wife was not around,

Sex in the sand at the beach in the open,

Sex everywhere that is forbidden, 

Go to the club to find my next prey, 

Sex with the bull fighter happened that way

Shhh shhh hush what is wrong with Holly?  Mama says “This is not from me.” She must be on drugs, this is what it must be.

Take care of Mama because she is sick

it is the only child’s obligation, you don’t get to quit

Mama signs you up for a program to make extra cash taking care of her ass

She makes you cash the money you earned, “Give it to me Holly”

“Here is $20 worth”

Shhh shhh hush little child don’t say a word Mama’s going to use you your entire life little bird

Back to school I go I was so smart who would have known

Deans list, honor roll for the first time in my life

I was doing it all myself this time

A night at the club with a classmate, her boyfriend wanted more so he put something in my drink

Embarrassed and confused here is the greatest puppet show

The boyfriend didn’t get to pull the strings the bull fighters friend did instead though

Lost in my mind, lost in my body

Did I consent? Or was I being naughty?

I couldn’t remember I truly didn’t know,

Was it rape again or a sex show?

Back to familiar sex with the pilot he always knew how to make me forget shit

Stable? I guess so, trying to make it Therapy was getting thick, I was breaking 

How did I miss I was horribly abused, how did I miss that part-I’m shaking

Prince Charming arrives thoughtful and different.  He is patient with me and all my bagged trauma

Like peeling back an onion the layers make you cry 

Prince Charming forgot to mention his skeletons-he lied

I don’t want to start again so I make it work

Trust broken, feeling hopeless

Am I truly stuck with this jerk!

1 miscarriage and 2 children later multiple stab wounds that fester

Leaving doesn’t fix this train wreck

Have compassion digest it

Shhh shhh hush keeper of secrets don’t you dare leak it

First child in 6th grade becomes a monster inside

You go insane asking how it happened  Complete disbelief to this Abracadabra

One day you have a child to love 

The next you meet the true him that has fully been consumed 

Gone gone rock a bye baby 

Gone gone my mind is going crazy

Protect the victims, but what about yourself

You’re stronger than this princess, this is why you were built

Listen to the voice recording one more time

That day I was still his mom and he was still kind

Now I cannot see him other than for what he is “The Good Son”

That twists words, life too fragile a shell is beating but my baby is gone

Rock a bye bye bye baby boy

A soul has left a demon in its place to say

“I just wanted to”

That is all

Slit your throats and watch you all fall

Shhh shhh hush I am just a small sick boy believe my lies-trust

Devastated beyond belief

Catch me now before I sink

MS is coming for you next

Shhh shhh hush don’t say a word

Take my drugs you stupid girl

Enough is enough secrets are out

My grandfather was a bigot,

My uncle a childless Boy Scout, 

My other uncle and his first wife salute to The Children of God camp good to teach your kids right, 

My aunt a man hater hmmm I wonder why,

My grandma pregnant at 16 with an alcoholic father- oh my, 

My grandma’s half brother shotgun to the face while his son cleans up the mess, 

My great grandpa Sicilian mob makes good tv

Little love, but a world full of pain generation after generation and God made me to feel

Shhh shhh hush trap it all inside

Your organs will wrought there is no where to hide

Death by death they all fall, but the keeper of the secrets still stands tall

Shhh shhh hush don’t say a word 

You’re all gone now, it’s irrelevant- I’ll have that final word}

Written by: Anonymous H. 

My last thoughts: I hope you heal too!❤️💋