As I reach the depths of my new fasting journey; I realize how easy it is to hold onto emotional crap! My last real meal was on July 31st. I have gone four days with only water and now nine days with only water, grapes, grape juice, and raisins. Purging the waves of emotions as they dredge up my past has been enlightening. While I am sure my husband would compare it to an emotional roller coaster like when I was pregnant! Some of these emotions surface ever so gently like the emotions wrapped around my son. On the other hand, some of these emotions jump out of me like a drop of water touching hot oil.
Sharing my experiences with you all here is to demonstrate why I advocate fasting and emotional purging! A tool all of us can use to dig deep into ourselves. Ever wonder why you are so angry? You want to change that anger response, but simply have no idea how to. Well here is a way I am providing the guide to do just that. Ever wonder why you cry every time that song comes on even though a direct memory is not attached to it? Again here is a tool to understand your inner self more clearly. I started this fast with the idea it could help some of my clients. I thought it might also benefit myself in a deep cleansing of my body. I always seem to underestimate the power of the emotional purging that takes place with fasts. Even though I am well aware of the emotional surfacing that occurs during any detox protocol; I always seem to be caught off guard when I do these. I state I have found my peace, which I have. I am completely at peace with my past and present circumstances. I still however, know their are these moments in time that I was unaware of holding onto. My current self acknowledges my emotions, welcomes them to surface, and purges them out.
My hope is that I encourage others to also start practicing a fasting ritual of purged emotions. This will not only help out any healing processes, it will also make our society more calm and less reactive. Imagine one less person reacting to an angry driver, an irritable customer, an outraged server! It seems like a small victory, but in my mind it is a huge one! It allows the opportunity for the fired up individual to find their calm. It allows that individual to see a world where kindness still exists and faults are capable of being forgiven. My emotional purging is very personal and raw. I will share now some of my deepest truths so again you can see what is underneath it all.
My first purges were trivial, but never the less valid. I got upset over small differences between my husband and I in the beginning. These were very trivial arguments over my voice wanting to be heard. My husband is the one that actually first identified my reactions as emotional releases. In my escalated state, I did not take that statement well in the moment. Once I realized he was correct that my emotions were surfacing I searched for where they came from. This time it was very much coming from a tied connection to owning my own body as a child. My husband jokingly zip tied my older daughters hair with the idea that he could simply pull out the zip tie. I immediately took the defensive approach for my daughter. Carefully cutting the zip tie with scissors trying to not cut one single strand of hair. I could not see the simple solution in my weakened state after four days with just water. I knew how much my daughter loved her hair and was upset for her at such a careless act against her body. Of course now looking back at it all it seems ridiculous and the simple solution of merely pulling the zip tie through her hair seems obvious. In that moment I took it as an attack against her right to her long red curly hair! The problem is I was reflecting my own lack of righteousness to my own younger self's body. Both of my parents had taken my ability to feel any ownership of my own body. Positively this is why they refer to emotional trauma healing to a very layered onion! I immediately knew I had worked through all of that layered crap so what exactly was this coming up. Then it hit me like these situations typically do. I was not defending my body in this instance. I have taken ownership of my physical being today. I was that little girl jumping in front of my big father defending my mother. You see I not only had to try to protect myself, in my mind I had to also physically protect her. I accepted the role I no longer needed to hold. I released the emotion attached to me and wished my mother well. You see her lack of self knowing or self worth she gave to a child to hold, me. These events of entanglement must be sent back with love to who they actually belong to. I have a sinking suspicion that those beliefs do not even belong to my mother. The generations those emotions belong to are long gone from this world. Is it not interesting that their trauma legacy rippled throughout time? My mother has the task to release her own traumas to whomever allowed her to hold onto them.
I had many smaller irritants and purges around order. Fasting mom got the entire family to clean, who knew! My next big purge was one I thought I had put to rest a while ago. A member at my church just honored the second anniversary of their sons death. It hit me sort of hard! They do not know I too lost a son in a much different way almost five years ago. I tried remembering the date I lost him. I started hearing the echoing of my own words bringing back the date. Due to my emotional release techniques, the memory along with the date had somewhat faded. I will never forget the actual events that took place that day for they are etched in my memory. They were traumatic for many! My son was twelve years old that day approaching thirteen. I will never speak of the incidents that took place that day to protect my children, but it devastated our entire family.
I wrote this with the intention of finishing it the day I started it back in August. Funny how life all plays out for us isn't it? I finished fifteen days of this fast with grapes and four days with just water making a total of nineteen days. Today I sit here with an entirely different level of needed emotional purging. My mother passed away September 4, 2023 and I reunited hesitantly with my son. I was so hopeful my mother still had time to work through her pain, but now she has a peace I could have never offered her. I was able to tell her before she passed that I was no longer mad at her. I had shared this with few others in my very small circle with a response of something like, "I am glad you got to do that for yourself." I did not correct the individual in that moment. Those words were never for my peace they were for my mother's. I established peace with it all years ago. I wanted my mother to have that same peace I was fortunate to gift to myself. I wanted her to finally love herself the way I loved her. I wanted her to be free from those heavy emotional shackles our family from past generations locked us into all while swallowing the key. This was the hardest part for my tender heart to process in her passing. Then being reunited with what I once compared to the son in the movie, "The Good Son." How could I ever really close both eyes in trust my lungs would still fill with breath in the upcoming seconds? This is what I call, "A God Plan", but I still do not understand the outcome of it all. Maybe that is the point of God wanting us to trust him blindly though. Close both eyes shut and say, "I trust you fully Lord."
I started writing this in August, but here I am finishing it in October. I was hoping to inspire the readers to reach into their depths so they too could experience this type of peace I worked so hard to achieve. The truth is life rips your heart out multiple times throughout a lifetime. My fourty-one years is proof of that. The peace I expected by one of my abusers leaving this realm just is not present. Instead I feel like I lost a piece of myself a piece I need to figure out how to rebuild. My tears are many and my heart aches with each beat. Apparently I am wrapping this up the way it was intended. I have lifted the core of this onion shedding so more purging, more fasting to reach my own strengths. What is true now is my mother is at peace, my heart aches, my soul hurts, my tears belong to many I once loved. I love deeply with mindful intentions and have an unrealistic ability to hope for the better. Take my gutted words from this unbearable pain wisely. I pray you hope, purge weighing emotions, and have the faith to find your own peace. I know I will soon again find my own peace in all of this onion shedding. I believe the core of an onion is unbelievably abundantly blissful. The core of anything in my life will always be my creator, which loves me with no conditions, no traumas, no painful favors. Find your own depths the center is your peace, love, worth, kindness, hope, satisfaction, light. All the things you have forgotten you truly are under those protective onion layers. It is time to blossom!
P.S.
I Love You Mom.
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