The weather has been strange here in North Carolina for this winter season. I went from bundling up in front of a fire, to light workout clothes for a walk in my park I frequent. I realized I did something so valuable on these walks in meditation I wanted to share.
I have always been one to get lost in a good daydream, especially in my younger years. As some of you know already, my home life as a child was a rated "R" for mature audiences horror film. Daydreaming gave me freedom and hope of a kindness I knew had to exist in other human beings somewhere. On most days I wanted to be a super hero so I could save others. Ironically enough, I never saw myself as one of those people that needed saving. I mean after all I had all the latest toys and whatever tech existed in the 1980's. I had a warm bed, a pool, a bicycle, (my only friends at my house) my stuff animals. I had food when my mother remembered to feed me. "What was so bad about all of that really," I would ask myself. As a young child that had been abused her entire life; how was I to know the difference from a non abusive household? My mother was a helicopter mom so I was not allowed to just be free with the other kids around my block without supervision. My only escape was my mind.
Now as an adult with over fifteen years of therapy behind her including over four years of E.M.D.R. trauma work, I often reflect. I no longer need to be an imaginary super hero saving everyone else, but I still daydream. Sometimes a younger version of myself will want to get excited and jump up on a bench just, because we can. I always entertain my inner child by swinging on one of the many green metal swings along my path. I envision my child like statue starring up at my adult self with excited eyes almost begging in nature. I imaginarily grab my youthful hand and guide the child I once was to the swing to entertain her desires. Today this notion of self care hit deeper than before. I started to reminisce all the times in my life I needed the adult I am today to show up to feel supported. I wondered with my exaggerated ability to daydream if I could be that adult, that support, that friend I had always longed for in my times of despair. I started to place my now self in these scenario's to see if it would be an effective tool in gentle guidance. I was amazed at what I had discovered!
I use to think my life would somehow be better forgotten, often wishing for some sort of amnesia to help me forget. It made sense at the time. I could magically forget all the bad memories and the trauma would magically vanish into thin air. No more nightmares, no more P.T.S.D. melt downs when I felt too crowded in an open space, no more ice cream binges to temporally extinguish the fire burning inside what seemed to be a hollow heart. Today I sit in a better place able to navigate a grim past with rainbow colored glasses. I can reimagine these traumas today, but with the adult me in them. I somehow brought instant comfort to a scared teen or a saddened young adult. I took my past hand as I would my inner child's and allowed my past self to express what she needed from me now. Could it really be this simple?
Trauma hits us all differently, but one thing remains fluid. How we felt the lack of during the traumatic event. Was it safety that was missing? Was it support or a caring counterpart that was absent in the moment we felt neglected in some way. Can we just take the grown, loving, caring person we are today and be whatever it is we were missing in our past? I think we can! I realized today I can be all the things I needed for my past self. My idea of supporting an inner child was fun and beautiful in many ways, but what about the older version of me that still needed to be recognized. When we heal we need to heal all of us, not just the piece that is easiest to see; such as the innocence of a child like self. As we age we are taught to not say this and do not do that due to how it might make someone else feel or us look. While I agree we should be thoughtful in our deliveries to others, what happened to true authenticity? I tell you how I am really feeling even if it is hard or ugly. I share my true emotion even if it seems inappropriate. A child feels openly and freely without shame or guilt. These are taught to us as we age to reel in your authentic self to fit into the "Adult Bubble". Well I refuse to fit into a bubble that does not support all of me.
In conclusion I will leave you all with the idea that we can heal ourselves emotionally. When those uncomfortable memories come flooding in, be the person you needed. Remembering you have the power to be kind to yourself. If you need comfort, envision yourself today giving yourself a hug. Or better yet hug your now self. Be the person that never showed up for you instead of replaying the agony of old sorrows. These sorrows feel like they are still with you sometimes, trust me I understand that. This is why I am asking you to grab that younger version of you and guide them to a better place. You are not stuck in the nightmare, but rather you are stuck in the separation that often occurs with trauma. You know those outside of your body type experiences? Your body needs you to show up now be the present adult you needed in the moment you went missing. I tell you, it was such a beautiful experience to show up in different ways for the lost girl that just needed to be loved. Sometimes all I needed was to be present. In one memory, I held my past hand letting myself know we went through something hard, but we were going to be alright. Imagine the pain of being absent from your own trauma story, because not even you showed up to help yourself. The attacks on my body I most definitely could not have prevented that is not what I am referring to here. I am rather referring to the part that left to be able to survive. It was a valid coping mechanism needed to survive in those moments. I was able in a flash to disconnect from my physical body, which left me completely alone. This is the part of you that needs to know you in actuality were never alone. We are going back so these parts feel loved and supported while you were surviving. Be the ending you never got for yourself, today. Be your own love story. Be your own supportive friend. The only bubble we live in is the one we agree to put ourselves in. With an open minded approach we all can heal.
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