Relationships are challenging at times and I think with most relationships we are learning as the relationship evolves. Some relationships make us take a pause to reflect on who we wish to become moving forward. I have not had too many relationships give me great pause, but a select few. One of those relationships believe it or not is the one with my mother. She recently injured herself and the reality that her life is coming to a close has become very real. She is part of my beginning, my middle, and little of my current. How do I even begin to express all that our forty-one years has meant to me in one blog. Most of you reading this know she is a part of my trauma story so I did not get the mother of the year. This is exactly why I will try to explain my apology though. I am truly sorry I was less of the daughter she probably wanted.
Trauma is interesting in that most of the time we do not see past our own pain. I have shed so many tears lately bellowing from my core. The pain and sorrow runs so deep my heart literally hurts. I gently place my hand over my heart to give it the love it is so desperately longing for. This is a form of giving yourself a self hug. I have been making sure all of my self care is on point right now as I struggle to say good-bye. I thought I was at peace with closing the chapter to this relationship; however, I am quickly realizing this is the exact reason I could never fully walk away. Now let me try to gather the words to explain how complex this relationship thing really is. This may trigger some of you as I write a lifetime of feelings to my mother so please pass on this one if you do not want to get emotional. This is a practice that I encourage all of you to partake in as it is extremely freeing to write a letter to the people that have brought you much pain.
'Dear Mother,
The end is growing near. I am so sorry you never had the courage to face your own pain. I was left to face it for you, because I chose a different path. I am sorry you never saw my differences as my strengths. I truly have been upset that you never saw me as I am. My, as you put it, "Circus" skin covered in tattoos was a way for me to document my pain, to feel something when the trickle of life flowed so thinly throughout my veins. If you bothered to look closer, you would see the seahorse that represents you on my forearm. One of my happiest memories with you was when you bought me that seahorse and seashells so I could hear the ocean at home. I still have them today, because they make me happy. You know many times in my life you made me happy as well. I cherish those memories like a vault full of gold. This letter is not to forget all of those times we shared such as singing Gloria Estefan while cleaning the house.
I know what my father did to me also effected you so again, "I am sorry" he found me appealing as a toddler. I never meant to be "The Other Women", after all I was just a child. I truly did not choose the position I was placed in. I never wanted to replace you or compete for the same mans attention. It was never a competition for me instead a nightmare I wish never happened. I felt those words strike me like a dagger when you screamed, "Whore, slut, Cheap" like I held some fault for what was done to me. I am so sorry your husband hurt you to the point you could not see who to value and who to place actual blame. I never meant to be part of your pain or trauma. I wish I could have done a better job of protecting you from his loud rage. My young sixty pounds ran in front of him more times than I could count trying to protect you. I am sorry I was too small and unintimidating that I was tossed aside. I never liked witnessing him hurt you in any way. I truly tried my best to be what you needed. The truth is I was just not big enough, loud enough, strong enough, old enough, etc., I was just not enough.
Mother I am sorry every time I tried to give you sugar when I was a child, I loved sweet things and wanted you to enjoy the same things I liked. I was too little to fully understand how addicted you were to sugar. I never appreciated all the burnt meals you enjoyed so much. While I did enjoy some crunch to my food, I never did like my food extra well done the way you cooked it for me. I should have appreciated the thought and nourishment instead of complaining about the dryness. I am so sorry I liked some foods you detested so much. I wanted to show you I was a big girl that could make myself food so you could continue to sleep. I never meant to anger you by eating Ranch dressing or butter. If I knew how angry it was going to make you, I promise I would have never touched it. I know you associate "Bad people" with alcohol and smoking. I never meant to trigger any bad memories you might have of your grandfather or father over indulging in those things. I never liked smoking so I didn't. I drank occasionally as an adult, but I was insensitive to the triggers you must have had. Mother you never shared your story much so I had to fill in the pieces from others as to why this would be challenging for you. I never meant to become the "Bad" girl you must have thought I had become. Despite the rumor mill that my free spirited lifestyle was a sign I must be on drugs, I assure you I never was. Sure when I was in college I tried a few things, but I literally hated it! My body was not made for that and I liked to be in control of my mind too much. Your rumors and accusations were so hurtful. I am sorry I must have been living my own life without checking in with you to make sure my choices were first approved by you.
I want you to know I tried to do what Grandma and Grandpa requested of me. I really tried to stay and take care of you the rest of my life, but I wanted to live myself. That request was made when I was seventeen. I was selfish in wanting to be free, live, love on my own terms. I was really bad at that part of life for a while. I tried to pattern you and I kept coming up with the same abusive relationships that hurt me. It wasn't until I decided to become a better version of myself in my very late teens that I started doing the work it would take a lifetime to complete.
I know my sports was an escape from my father for you just as much as it was for me. I am sorry I stopped loving the sports you wanted me to play so much, but I wanted a new direction. I am so sorry my body was breaking down, eating disorders will do that over time. I was just trying to lose that last ten pounds you always told me I needed to lose. You see I was trying to make you happy. I know you thought you were protecting me by moving my boyfriend in at the age of thirteen. I had already broken up with him a month prior; I had moved on. Like a bad arranged marriage I kept your secret to keep me safe. He was a strong body builder almost two years older than me. I did care about him and grew to love parts of him. I am sorry I could not stay with who you sold me for like a good daughter. I never wanted you to get in trouble so I doubtfully kept your secret despite it making me super depressed, isolated, and lonely. I sacrificed my happiness for yours for a short while. Who would have guessed you chose a boy that smoked, went to an alternative school, and molested his younger sister for me. I am sorry I was not more grateful for the thought behind your choices.
I should have been more excited when you chose to support my ex-husband instead of me after our ugly divorce. I am sorry I did not understand you were supporting him for our son only. The shrine photo boards and paying his bills for him should have been better accepted. In my defense it seemed as if you picked a side and it was not your collegiate honor roll daughter's side. I was trying to get your approval with that doctorate degree I was after by the way. I understand now why you wanted my son to secretly call you mom like I use to call your mother. I am sorry that never caught on, because unlike you I was always an intricate part of my sons life until I could not be. I wish I could have seen the undercuts you were conditioning into my son to hurt us. I am extremely sorry you made the choice to help raise what you helped create. I know that took a lot of energy yes trust me I know!
I am sorry I allowed my current husband to show me I needed to set boundaries around you. I know this angered you to great extents. All the rumors you created that he was like the others. It would be easy to believe looking back at my first choices in partner's wouldn't it? I apologize for healing and picking a stable partner that loved me enough to help support my healing journey. I never meant to anger you instead I wanted you to be proud of my growth. I seemed to leave you behind it all, didn't I? I mean I healed without you. I wish you had joined me for the ride oh how much more richer it all would have been to see you heal beside me. Instead I healed despite you. Some of my deepest pains are the fact that I have so much to say to you and all you have to say to me is that you want to rewrite your Will to give me less. If words could stab my heart, believe me you have succeeded in penetrating it. I never have cared about money that is why I am so bad at managing it. The last statement to me is not an, " I am Sorry" or an "I love you Holly" no it is an "I want to give you less". Haven't you been doing that my entire life though Mother, giving me less?
I know I was not the daughter you must have wanted. I resented you even hated you for so many of my adult years. I never even saw you as the abuser until one of my therapists had to point it out to me, because well Mother I was still hypothetically running in front of my big raging father trying to protect you. I was trying to protect you to the point I forgot to protect myself in the thick of it all. I am sorry I was not able to be the daughter I know I wanted to be. It is just that you were so unhealthy for me that I could not be that daughter without hurting myself. I am not suicidal Mother so why would I let you stab me to death. Your words, your actions, your lack there of, was so noted as I sit here sobbing trying to understand how this is the end of us. I wanted so much more for us, for you. Dammit Mother, you could not love me the way I needed you to, but I sure as hell loved you!
Love The Broken Hearted,
Your Daughter That Loved You"
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