A Drip Of Reality

As I sit here taking a deep reflection on my accumulated choices I have made in my life thus far, I wonder could I have done this all differently? Drip, drip, drip goes the blood I once homed in my veins. I am now on my third Ozone Dialysis appointment. Preparing the veins, drink the pickle juice, dilate the veins with cayenne, boost hydration the day before. “How did I allow myself to get here?” I question. Let us take a raw look into my choices.

As a child, a part of me was absolutely fearless! I loved the excitement and edge of all of my friends that were boys. They knick a knee? Get up and keep going or even fuel of adrenaline to go harder at whatever the task was. I admired the way, on a typical day, they lived life. We were also somewhat friends. I use the word somewhat, because I was a girl so I did not really fit into the “Boy Code” world. Those boys brought me into their excitement and I brought them into my sometimes gentle silly nature. We had a good balance of fun always until I emasculated them with my superb athletic talents. As you can imagine, this never went over well with them!

My home life was an imbalanced shuffle of an overly protective mother also neglecter behind closed doors, mostly loving grandmother, and mostly abusive father. I always have loved nature so we can not leave out the many animals and bugs I secretly feed my dads sardines to outside. I was the go to stop for most homeless furry friends that came over from the large storm-age drain that was just past our backyard fence. I loved taking the small Dixie type cups to collect all the Daddy Long leg spiders I could find residing in the bushy trees we had in the front yard. I even spent a good hour chasing after a large horse fly I eventually caught in my Dixie to give to my mother for Mother’s Day. She was extremely upset regarding my very laborious thoughtful gift. At the time, I just could not understand her emotional outrage. I was lonely often being an only child, left to amuse myself. Being a part of the neighborhood kids left me with some added value, companionship, that feeling of belonging. Most of us had our own secret struggles we were internally dealing with, but never spoke of. Some of us knew the hardships, because it was more obvious than others. Some of us went like a spy in the night silenced to the true terrors that we faced all alone.

So how does one get to a place of being overweight, full of toxins, full of colored scars, and full of ancestral secrets? Did all of these play into the role of my current status? Drip, drip, drip goes my now ozonated blood back into my fighting for health body. Their is the idea that we manifest our destinies. I always have had to learn things for myself, which most people would consider, “The Hard Way.” I have lived such a rich full life so far, however. So yes I swam in the desert channel along someone’s else’s brown discard. In my defense, I was unaware it was used as a moving outhouse. I did surf the waves of one of the most polluted beaches thanks partly to Mexico’s many oil and sewage spills. I did spend five hours tubing in the river. I lived my life to the fullest scared as hell to try new things, but forcing myself to live. I know my lifestyle, along side my sometimes careless choices in fun landed me here, but at the end of the day I would do it all again! Absolutely, all of it!

I was selfish in a lot of ways in my early twenties. I went courageously after most of what I wanted. I still had issues around my self-worth and regulating my emotions. A small part of me always wanted more from my life. As much as I thought my career in dentistry would fulfill me, it became so mundane. I was smarter than the position I first aspired for so I was left without much intellectual challenge, bored, and frustrated. I thought I wanted to be a stay at home mother. Having my very first pregnancy being as devestating as it all was for me, that too was not as I had pictured my life. While I will mention, I absolutely love being a mother; I also wanted to be so much more! Type A’s we tend to load up our calanders and work load to the max. I wanted to be married so badly to signify I was loved. I wanted this part so badly, I settled for meritocracy with that salty edge I liked as a child. While that maybe the best combo as a child tomboy in a dress, it did not make for a good marriage formula. Like I said before, “I have to experience things for myself a.k.a. the hard way.” I then was determined to be my best self after my dissolved abusive marriage crumbled. I was now going to be a Physical Therapist for the Olympics! Yep, I dream big! I was going to buy another “first house” this time by myself. I was so focused on all of my prizes, it left very little room for much more. I was a single mother now with a chronically ill tube fed infant, working out approx. 3+ hours to start, going to college full time(Honor roll and Dean’s list), emerging myself into the deaf community(I had already planned my retirement job as a deaf interpreter), tanning, plus therapy twice a week, etc. Type A to the max here! Meanwhile I was so lost inside still. I had all of my energy going into so many different directions to my supposed dreams, that I was not taking the time to actually dream. Physically I was in the best shape of my life, carrying a 20 pound weight vest up a mountain at a joggers pace. Mentally, I was still working on all of that. Honestly, I wanted it to be over like a check list. Do the work, check mark, and done! Emotional trauma does not fit into a Type A personality’s life. Learning to slow down, feel, educate, baby step forward, repeat.

A chuckle slips out from my belly’s depths as I sit here now forced to be still. Still in my Type A form of going after the toxic load I have allowed to accumulate inside of me with vigor. I love my life’s story even the darkness, because it always showed me the light. A toxic fat suit is nice when you want to hide yourself away from the sexual dangers I already have encountered many times. Maybe it was my way to protect my now marriage. Maybe in a small way I felt guilty for all of my misguided mishaps along the way. Punishing myself for all the naivety I dragged myself out of. Maybe it was the mentally sick part of my past that thought I deserved all of the shoveled abuse I endured. At this point it is all speculations of maybe’s. So again, how did I end up here in this moment watching my blood being cleaned, UV sterilized, and funneled back in? As much as I would love to lie to all of you and say this could have been prevented. I felt like a caged bird when I was not pursuing my ambitious inner being. All of my struggles, I have made public on my first outreach program to help others, “Quick Five With Hol!” Maybe you are like myself and have to learn things for yourself. Maybe you will use my life as an example to help your own. Maybe you will just speak ill of what a mess I have made of myself in this moment. I am hoping it is the helpful part that is taken away by my vulnerability to the public.

Drip, drip, drip my blood falls in a rhythm of necessity. I still have much more life to live and I promise you I will live it “my way” like I always have. My child like curiosity of what is left to explore. My fear based escapades of roller coasters, dangerous trails, and the will I make swimming to the dingy thing in the lake? This part of me gives me joy, life, and that edge that terrifies most people. It makes my marriage excilerating at times with my wild suggestions to keep that spark on a torched flame! I find it funny that I am the fire sign and my husband is the water sign. He does have to put me out more often than not. As well as I have to ignite him every once in a while to get going. These treatments are the hard part about my well loved life. Shedding the fears I have held onto for too long. I no longer need the support of this fat suit or toxic load to propel me into my next stages of life. I release them here very publicly in front of the world to let you know it is safe to let go. While the burning of most of my worldly possessions was not on my bucket list, it is symbolic of me; an act of God wild fire needing my husband to at times put me out. I mean I gave my families ancestrial abuse train right up to the tips of heaven for prayer and he gave me the biggest bonfire of “Let Go” I could have ever imagined. When they say, “God works in mysterious ways.” I think that mystery is just for us to ponder on. My God makes no mistakes in the way he handles our prayers! Absolutely, no mistake! He knew I was going to drown myself in the sorrow of my families belongings. As the only child I was the only keeper. What a job to be fired from! Sometimes the blessings are directly in front of us waiting for us to be ready to see them. I was once told the hardest prayer is to ask to be humbled. I humbly agree. I really gave this idea some of my best thinking time. To ask to be humbled could mean being stripped from literally everything. I struggled to even speak the words after losing almost all, but my family. How do you pray that knowing they could be taken too? It really is one of the hardest prayers to pray when you stop to give it the thought it deserves. “Humble me Lord,” I speak with fear and sadness terrified what those words actually could mean. It feels like I pray that with my own selfish contingencies, because I can not pray that without those contingencies. Is it selfish to protect those I care for the most? Or is it selfish to sacrifice them to the possible humbling path God has for me? I don’t have the answers here, but I do know I am not strong enough to pray that prayer without my safety net. My entire life as crazy as some of it has all been, I always knew I had God by my side. I guess that is why I was always able to jump. I just trusted God would always catch me before I fell hard enough. I use to get so angry with God when my life would crush me like a bug. I would much like a child pout and discredit his existence. Defy him even more than I already had. Then I would get pulled back in much like a child needing that warm embrace of a mothers hug. The older I got the stronger the bond I felt. Like a fine wine getting richer with age. Having the very abusive father I was gifted with for such a short period of my life, then to be abandoned by; pushed me further into the thought that God will always be my only father. It would have been nice to have an earthly father, but that isn’t part of my story. I didn’t even get a replacement. Instead I got the ultimate Father of all things, God. It is sad to think my relationship only grew with him, due to my very early in life tribulations. Followed by a thought of, “I do have a father, God!” Would it not be great if everyone came to that conclusion early in life? We have a protector, an “act right” disciplinarian, a teacher, comforter that will hold you when you need to cry, a miracle maker when you need to be saved. Drip, drip, drip went the sacrifice for me to live. I have been saved so many times, too many times! I sit here invisioning this bag of blood being the lifeline to Jesus shedding his blood for mine. “Humble me, Lord.” When I see that nasty neighbor that only wishes our family ill will I will call out to him, “Humble me, Lord.” When I get burnt down, broken down, infected with the nature I love so much(ticks) I will cry out, “Humble me, Lord!” It really is the perfect prayer.

Healing Is Possible!

Holly Haag